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Military Mud Part #1

Military Mud Part #1

OK Gang;
Publisher Don Parent here……….
How about some military humor………….
During my recovery from Warzone PTSD and TBI, I found humor to be a powerful Therapy tool……………
One thing I learned early on was the incredible amount of Mud I would need to get used to in the Military.
I have added some other comedic issues from my early Army days.
[End intro]

[verse 1]

[Southern Military humorous speaking voice]
[No Instruments]
Military Mud:
by Don Parent
Looking back on my Military Days, I can't help but laugh and shudder at the ever-changing Mud that came at us in so many flavors, shapes, and sizes.
Yes Flavors. While crawling through Mud, always keep your mouth shut!
What was with the Military's love of Massive Mud Pits???
How much Mud was there???
Acre  upon acre
Mile after Mile
We marched in it, crawled in it, and even slept floating submerged in it.

At Ford Ord Basic Training, in the Warm California Sun, my journey through the Military Mud began with Wet beach Sand, which spoiled me for what was to come.
Fort Ord also had:
Warm Mud
Damp Mud
Soft Comfy Cozy Mud
Nice California-style Mud………..

The rifle ranges were right on the beach, and you could see the breakers rolling in.
To a San Fernando Valley Boy who loved hanging out in Malibu, this was more like the movie Beach Party Bingo, with Moondoggies' surfboard, plus Gidget and her girlfriends dancing in the sand and gyrating their hips to Chubby Checker's dance song The Twist…

OK, Don, quit dreaming. Let's get back to the reality of Basic Training……………

Of course, we had Drill Sergeants who looked like Smoky the Bear yelling "Step It Up, Ladies" while force marching us out to the rifle range, singing cadences about some asshole named Jody naked with our girlfriends in the back seat of his fancy Chevy convertible.

Smokey would scream out, "Sound Off",

[call and response]
Your Father was home when you left,
Your right,
Your mother was home when you left,
Your right,
Your dog was home when you left,
Your right,

Jodi was home with your girl,
Your Right,

[end call and response]

Once at the Range, always be careful of what you call your equipment. Never, ever let Smoky hear you call your rifle a gun….
Screeching Halt. Smoky freezes…………
He turns to you slowly and yells in your face……………

OK Maggot Ten Hut….
Grab your weapon, pointing at your rifle,

Now grab your nuts and repeat after me…..
This is my weapon,
This is my gun,
This one's for Fighting,
And this one's for fun,

Louder shitbird
I cain't hear you…………………

Two months of this shit and then on to Fort Polk, Louisiana, and its dreaded Tigerland,

The big sign at the entrance said it all,
The Birthplace of Combat Infantrymen For Vietnam!!!
That left little room for negotiations on what was next.
Could things get worse?

It was winter, so you tell me
The winter months at Tigerland had a much nastier type of Mud to deal with…..
This Mud was angry….
When you jumped down onto the frozen surface, it shattered and tried to bite you…
Beware……
Shards of Broken Glass Ice Mud,
Muck that could cut like a knife mud,
This was Freezing, Disturbing Mud,

Plus, this area of Louisiana had swamps with nasty crawling things like snakes, big bugs, and alligators,
So was there military Mud?
It's a freakin swamp for God's sake!
The Army took one look at the area and did their best Randy Newman impression, "I Love LA."
OK wrong LA

Two months in this freezing swampland was an eternity,
The Smoky the Bear Drill Sergeants at Tigerland were meaner,
The only time my Drill Sergeant was nice to me was when I received a Care Package from home.
This Southern Red Neck would come to my cot and drool out "Hey, Parent I just Loves me some of them Raisner Cookies".
And yes, he did call them Raisners!
If that weren't bad enough, the GI in the upper bunk would try to climb down, and he would step right in the middle of my cookies.
I gave the broken ones to Smoky.

By the end of the two months of Advanced Infantry Training, we were much tougher.

We were ready to take our two-week leave at home before shipping out to Vietnam.

Two weeks was time enough to hunt down and kill ole Jodi.

I could do without that loose end haunting me overseas at night in a foxhole.
End of Part #1
[military cadence]
I don't know, but I've been told
Monsoon season is getting old

Sound Off,
One Two
Sound Off,
Three Four,
Sound Off,
One Two Three Four,
Three Four,

I don't know but have you heard,
Jodi is one girl stealing turd,

Sound Off,
One Two,
Sound Off,
Three Four
Sound Off,
One Two Three Four
Three Four,
[military snare drum fade out]

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Military Mud Part #2

Military Mud Part #2
By Don Parent
Good Morning Vietnam
I thought,
Damn, I'm actually here!
Stepping off an airliner in Cam Ranh Bay, Vietnam, was a shock to the System.

I felt an incredible electrical charge shoot straight up through my brand-new Jungle Boots, all the way to the top of my head.
Cam Ranh Bay may have been on the beach, but this was not Malibu, and we were nowhere near Kansas any longer.
Vietnam was so foreign in its sights and sounds that we could have landed in Emerald City.
However, we were fighting the Viet Cong, not Flying Monkeys.

With every change of address, the Mud had gotten worse.
Once I got to my Infantry Unit, I was introduced to a whole new color scheme.

How about RED MUD everywhere.
I thought we were in Vietnam to fight a Red Communist threat and not a red mud attack. Worse yet, the Red Mud had some nasty inhabitants in it  we had to fight.
In Vietnam, especially during the wet Monsoon Season, the Mud was never-ending.
This RED Threat was twenty-four-seven,
We had constant Mud in our boots,
We had Mud in our rifle barrels, in our butt cracks, and on top in our helmet liners.

Could it get worse???
Leave it to the Military.
How about Vietnam Monsoon Mud with space aliens wiggling in it?
They may not have been alligators like in Louisiana, but these suckers were worse…

Yes, Monstrous Blood-Sucking Leeches lurking in its red muddy depths.
I am talking about nightmare leeches right out of the Alien Movie Franchise,
The Vietnam Leeches seemed to have an extra set of lethal teeth shooting right out of their gaping face,
They were lying in wait, sucking at us through the Mud,
My Army Brothers would point at me and laugh, seeing a trained lethal killer, running tiptoe, through the Mud and water, crying Leeches.
I must have been a comical sight. I was carrying as many grenades as I could attach to my vest, along with hundreds of M-60 machine gun rounds.
There I was spinning and dancing. I should have packed a tutu.
The rain in Vietnam during the Monsoon didn't seem to stop for weeks.
It could last from May to November.
I could get used to the rain but never the leeches…………..
One morning, our new lieutenant came jumping out of his tent with a big leech hanging off his Oscar Meyer.
We older grunts knew that you could stick a lit cigarette on the leech's butt or squirt some insect repellent on it, and the leech would fall right off.
The problem was that the insect repellent burned if it got in the wrong place, like a bite mark.
One of the guys winked and told the lieutenant to spray insect repellent on it.
I did not know that the lieutenant could dance like that.
He was not happy, but it did get rid of the leech.

[outro]

There are more leech stories and even Tigers and poisonous snakes.
I may need to do a Part Three or more later………

[military cadence]

I don't know, but I've been told
Monsoon season is getting old

Sound Off,
One Two
Sound Off,
Three Four,
Sound Off,
One Two Three Four,
Three Four,

I don't know but have you heard?
Jodi is one girl stealing turd,

Sound Off,
One Two,
Sound Off,
Three Four
Sound Off,
One Two Three Four
Three Four,